


best miraculous ladybug fic evar XDDD

by goeunchan



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Crack, Cringe, Dead Parents, F/F, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Orphan - Freeform, Other, Parody, Reverse Harem, Stupidity, how i maintain my mental health, im probably gonna change the rating later lol, this is actual trash, tragic backstory
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-03-14 12:57:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13590516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goeunchan/pseuds/goeunchan
Summary: a parody where u have a tragic backstory but ur tryna get at adrien and chat noir. thats basically it theres no substance lmao





	1. ur tragic life

y/n woke up and looked in the mirror God I look so bad no boy will ever like me this way. Adrien only looks at Mary Net and I look like shit.

"Your so pretty," Chat Noir told you. this was a few days ago when your house caught fire and ur whole family was killed.

you started crying. it was really panful to remember that. ok whatever. you wipe your tears an smile its a brand new day!!!

you were lived in an abandoned warehouse and working three jobs while going to school. I'm sorry mom i know you wanted me to be a lawyer but im getting bad grades now. i have to hustle and pay for the bills. i dont want to resort to drugs and/or prostitution.

you brush your hair and put on your makeup. it's the new urban decay palette and some two-faced lipstick that your mom got you. oh wow, u start thinking abt your mom and start crying again. no one really got u except for chat noir and adrien. chat noir told you that his mom died and adrien had that too. it was really sad and painful. while you put on your bare minerals setting translucent powder in shade N24 you started thiking about the simirlarrties btwn chat and adrien.

chat was so fkn sexy w his dirty blond hair and green eyes his smirk was so smug and hot. he was so sexy. he saved you from the fire and he didnt even ask for anything back. he held you while you cried and heard the news about your family.

and adrien was really nice too. when you were at the funeral he put a pretty rose on your mom's casket. wow, i wish he'd give a rose like that to me, you thought. and then he held you in his strong arms when you started tearing up. he was so nice. then mary net went up to you guys and ruined the moment. "hey do you have anywhere to stay after the fire?? you can stay with me y/n"

"are you callisg me homeless!??" you pushed chat onto the floor and ran away. hours later adrien found you in the forest looking at your reflection in a beautiful pond. im sorry he said. the sun was shining onto his green emerald eyes. they were so stormy and clear. they looked almost grey-blue orbs.

"leave me alone" you screamed and you started crying again. pls adrien come hug me, you thought.

adrien started walking away. it looked like he was gonna get help.

"what the hell youre just gonna leave me?!!!"

he walked over to you and you pushed him again. he started was bled.

im so sorry im so emotional adrien.

its okay.

and then he walked you home. he looked super pale probably because of the blood from the cut when you pushed him. take care of yourself adrian. ok. and you fell asleep for two days straight at the house. there was too much grief on your soul and you woke up today.

while you put on a simple band t shirt ripped jeans eyeliner and a choker you put on a fake smile and headed to school. you immediately spot adrien and mary net.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made up the one makeup name i was too lazy to look up any real ones by bare minerals lol


	2. hawk moth aint shit

"Hola y/n!!" said Mary Net. wtf why is she speaking spanish.

"We're in france Mary Nut, pls speak english" you told her.

adrien laughed at what you said. wow you werent even trying to moke a jake he had a good sense of humor. Mory Nut started laughing too. she ruined the joke.

"so how are you doing y/n?" she asked you. 

"honestly like i came out to learn at this school but im honetly feeling so attacked rigt know."

"isnt that an old and overused meme?" asked adrien. he was fixing the bandage on the cut from when u pushed him. wow im so sorry adrien.

"what??" you said. "a meme?? why arent u guys taking my pain seriously?? you keep bringing it up its so fresh the wound i just wanna forget it"

"oh im sorry-"

god marinette has no social skills you think, and u run away from them to go to the battroom where you and juleka start cutting. juleka is really chill and cool and she's the only otter person beside chat and adrien that gets you. but not in a Gay way though. its plantonic.

she passes you the razer blade and u cut.

"this is super unsanitary and weird" juleka says." im not even a cutter im just an aesthetic goth"

"okay" you say and silence falls over you two, like u both understand something. you start talking about life and then u start crying again. its time for second period but you have to get to ur next job.

juleka hands you some toilet paper she found on the floor to dry your tears. you get some stuff smudged on you but you clean it off. whatever. i dont care how i look. i have to get to walmart.

\---------------------  
at walmart you saw nino also working there. he was the one who recommended you to the manager. he was in charge of training you for the job.

he was shelving items and he looked so buff. his skin glistened under walmarts flickering lights it felt so romantic but u didnt say anything bc you didnt know if he felt the same way. also you like adrien so it was forbidden.

"hey y/n," nino whispered. "i-i know you just went through a traumatic experience.... but i just wanted to tell you th-that..."

he kept stuttering.

"that.... I'm in love with you!"

"WHAT??"

he stepped closer to you. your noses were almost touching and ur heart was beating really fast.

"i know im going out with alya but ur honestly so different from the other girls i cant stop thinking about you"

"im not your side hoe my mom taught me self respect"

you pushed him like you pushed adrien that day and you felt so angry. so angry that hawk moth showed up.


	3. howk moath aint shit pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is the french grammatical u ask??? probably not. high school didnt help me at all. edit: as i suspected its du pouvoir,,, eh whatever true trash fic gets this wrong

"bonjour," hown moth said. "voulez-vous avoir pouvoir?"

"we're in france!!" you said. "speak english. what do u even want?"

this guy was just like may nut.

honestly this dude looked super creepy. i mean, he was kinda hot but in a dilf way. he kinda looked like adrien's dad. or chat noir's dad if he had a dad. chat noir was such a mystery you wanted to know more.  
you lost yourself in daydream when hown moth started talking again.

"Y/N aren't you so angry at Nino, don't you want revenge?"

"not really," you said. if anything, you were just gonna snitch on him to alya. revenge isnt my style you told him.

"are you sure?" hewn math said. "he disrespected you! he disrespected alya! are you just gonna let him keep being a fuckboi forever?"

you shrugged. how do u know alya you asked. this dude was getting creepier and creepier. how did he even know what happened between you and nino?

"look i-"

"Y/N!" it was the warmart manager. "You know you cant be on break right now! And you old man who tf are you?? she's underage you know? im calling the police!"

its school hours said hawmaw and you know she's underage arent there like labor laws against that.  
"also i didnt even do anything" how mot screamed. "im just asking her where the doritos are?"

what a liar! you thought. ohmygosh theryre in aisle two. thanks how mow told you.

wow im surprised you know that already, the manager said. you deserve a pay raise.

omg thank you. you said. the manager looked kinda cute. but he was also kinda old and you didn't have much of a daddy kink yet. plus you liked adrien. and chat.

"with this pay raise i can quit one of my jobs! im gonna go over right now." 

ok be care full. the manager said. he was checking u out as u walked away. omg she's so hot but i could be her brother he thought.

you just kept walking until you got to your other job. it was a factory that sold chat noir and ladybug merchandise. but outside you found chat crying.

chat noir?" whats wrong

oh y/n dont worry about me

you approached him but when you got close he pushed you and ran away. wow where so similar u thought. you followed him and he led you to the cemetary. 

his mom must be buried here, u thought. just like my mom. a single tear tricled down ur face. it was probably ruining your mokeup you sighed.

when you looked, you saw adrien was crying over a grave that said agreste on it. 

adrien have u seen chat noir? he was just here.

no y/n i havent. he said. the sun was hitting dis grey grren yellow blue eyes and his gold hair. his teeth looked so white and you could see the muscles bulging under his shirt. "im chat noir." he said.

you were so shocked that you passed out.


	4. chat is a Liar

when u woke up you were in adrien's room. it was dark and blue, except for a sliver of light coming from the bathroom. you got up, your head aching from the shock and then you remembered what adrien had told you.

that he was chat noir.

you peeked into the bathroom and your face was submerged with a soft steam. holy shit,,, was adrien showering?! you quickly ran out of there, your cheeks blushing like crazy. omfgggg

you had managed to catch a small glimpse of his fine fucking ass. it was soft but firm, he obviously worked out. god he was so fkn hot. u regretted getting out of there. maybe just another peek and -

"Y/N you're awake!" the voice was coming from another door across the room. 

it was...adrien?

wait what?? if adrien was here then who was that showering in there with the hot ass???

"oh mary net is showering in there. she came over and i spilled some stuff on her."

your hands started trembling.

"sorry what? what stuff did you spill on her?" you whispered.

"what," adrien said.

you got closer to him.  
"i said," you purred, "what stuff did you spill on her?"

"my nut!" adrien said, and you slapped him right across the face. the indecency!

you realized mary net was dressed and right behind you, her blue hair wet.

"no," adrien explained, clutching his bloody cheek, kneeling before you. "that's mary net's new nickname!!"

you started laughing. frantically. my nut. okay. whatever.

"so mary net in the streets my nut in the sheets," you screeched. "excellent"

"y/n," marinette began, "wtf is wrong with you? i know ur whole family died and juleka told me ur cutting but u cant just treat people like-"

square the fuck up may nut, you yelled. And what? treat people like what? like you treat my girl tikki!???

marinette instinctively clutched at her purse. but there was nothing there. i mean, obviously. this bitch just got out of a shower tf.

"tch. you think i'd just leave your purse lying around when i know your miraculous is in here!!???" you soid, dangling mary nout's purse.

adrien looked at may nut and she looked back at him.

"adrien, what is she talking about???"

adrien shrugged like he knew nothing. you threw the purse back at morty noot.

"you guys are both liars!! you deserve each other!!"

your eyes started watering and you ran away, pushing adrien onto the floor once more. how could he prentend he wasnt chat noir?? had he forgotten that special moment you both shared after the fire???

wow, u felt so pathetic. you were running like a maniac in the street when you bumped into alya.


	5. holy shit, there's a plot!?

alya was on the floor and had gashes and bruises all over her. oh shit, did the fall cause that? no it looked too extreme. u were strosg but not that strong.

"watch we're you're going!!" u said. "also, like, why are u all cut up, do you also hang with juleka?"

alya wiped the tears from her eyes, leaving her face bloody.

"what r u talking abt, the cuts?? juleka isnt emo she's an aesthetic goth?? she doesnt cut"

"that's bullshit. she's emo."

"nah" alya said.

"then at least she's scene, with some punk influences"

"what do you want y/n???" alya said finally, rudely interrupting you.

"sorryyyy. fuck. i just wanted to know what happened 2 u"

"s-s-someone broke into my house and killed all my family" alya said, voice quivering. she fell into ur arms.

you said "its okay." and whispered "no homo" 

her tears dampened your clothes. she was ruining her makeup. did she even use a face primer or moisturizer, her shit was oily af and dry af

she was sobbing in your embrace for too long and you didn't want her to get the Wrong Idea. you weren't into girls. girls were Gay. 

except sometimes juleka. juleka was cool. and ...well, mary net was,,,, ew. no, you thought. blergh.

"wait we should go to the police" you said, trying to erase the thot from your head. heh heh, the thot.

"yea," alya replied. "the bastard who killed my family is gonna pay"

"omg did u see his face??"

"why do u assume it was a guy?? women can be murderers too. thats true equality."  
she let go of you and made a comment about ur buff arms. thanks you said. i get a lot of training from pushing people.

"and no i didnt see them. i caught them trying to start a fire in the house, it was so weird."

your eyes shot straight open and u stopped dead in your tracks.

"what's wrong?" alya asked, grabbing ur buff arm. you could tell she was taking advantage of that time to feel you up you couldnt blame her. your arms were really nice. "a fire? is it bc ur parents also-"

"hah hah what??" you said. "stop talking alya you just suffered a trauma lets get to the police"

\----

"so the man saw you and then he attacked you?"

it was the police officer. she was tall and super scary looking. there was something untrustworthy about her.

"yeah but idk if it was a man" alya said.

"alright sweaty ur free to go" she wrote something down and immediately made a call to someone.

"ok."

alya signalled to you and you both left the police station.

"that was so sketch thooo. i bet she's the murderer. also do you have, like, any family to stay with??" you asked.

"nah, i guess we're both orphans now."

alya started crying again and sat down on a nearby bench covered in bird shit. wtf ur cuts are gonna get all infected.

"y/n, can i stay with u for tonight?? id go to mary net's or nino's but i dont want to explain all of this..."

"the rent is $700 plus utilities, no wifi" you said, inspecting your nails. "also nino is trying to get at me, but i told him to back off"

"wait what??"

"i said-"

alya pushed you to the floor and took off. she was probably going to beat up nino or something. whatever. 

a while later you started feeling bad and decided to go after her. i mean didnt she have the same story as you??? wait,, maybe your stories were connected???

maybe, you thought, the person who killed my parents also killed alya's!!!!

your eyes started shaking and u began leaping in alya's direction. that was when you bumped into someone in a dark alley wearing all black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can u believe there's a plot to this hah hah me neither


	6. milk

you pulled out your Ultra-Spicy Max Pepper 3000 XXX Pepperspray™ and shot the person in the eyes.

they immediately screamed and you realized it was your love adrien. i mean chat noir. no, i mean adrien. wait wasnt this adressed at some point in the past???

"chat noir daddi, im no sorry, here i have the antidote "

you splashed milk in his face and his eyes stopped watering. he licked the milk off himself like a cat. wasnt he lactose intolerant though? sometimes he had diarrhea face at school and begged teachers to let go release a dump.

"ur so kinky, chat!!! where did u get ur costume btw, that shit is sooo bdsm."

"why are you still calling me chat, you know im adrien"

"whaaaat." you started laughing nervously.

"plague you can come out"

chat started detransforming and he was soon adrien.

"where was plague hiding????" you said, a mild look of disgust on ur face.

adrien punched you playfully.

"stop being gross y/n, plague was in my ring."

"did you just slap me??? bitch, i dont stand for domestic abuse???"

"i punched you???? playfully???? like cant you read????"

"what?" you blushed red. shit, how did adrien know you were illiterate? only juleka <3 knew.

then adrien grabbed your buff arm and led you somewhere.

"i like it when you take charge" you said seductively, saliva dripping from ur face. you put a hand to ur cheeks and realized it wasnt just saliva. it was tears. wtfff, why am i crying?

you realized you were just getting impacted by what happened to alllyuh.

"hey adrien, we should go look for alya, her family all died and idk where she's gonna sleep"

"yeah that's where we're going y/n"

"oh okay. wait can we stop by cvs, i work there and i didnt call in sick today."

"yeah okay. i need to go to the bathroom right now anyway."

you grimaced. "oh, was it the milk??"

adrien blushed deep red and you both entered cvs. adrien ran to the bathroom. the place was brightly lit and freshly cleaned. you noticed mary net was also there. ughhh couldnt you catch a break.

"hey my nut, what are u up to?"

"oh hey y/n! im actually looking for a first aid kit. i ran into alya and- well she told me what happened."

"yeah! actually i think what happened to her is probs related to my incident"

"yea same," she said, paying for her stuff at the register. 

"donttakecredit for my ideas" you huffed.

"what. i wasnt - i was just agreeing with you"

"whatever," you said. "tell alya the room is still open for rent"

"how do u rent an abandoned warehouse that you dont even own?

"tch. like i would tell you," you muttered. my nut left cvs and you went around shoplifting.

after three hours, adrien came out the bathroom. as the door was closing you got a whiff of air from the bathroom and you gagged violently. that boi needs to stop drinking milk.

"my nut was just here. she's with alya."

"oh. do u wanna go on a date then?"

you pushed adrien playfully and he slid down the cvs floor.

"ofc i wanna go on a date. just let me get ready."

"no y/n you are perfect the way you are.you're so special and unique. and youre so smart and pretty but mostly pretty. the way you smile at the ground gets me overwhelmed you dont know you dont know your beautiful. if only you saw what i could see you,d understand why i want you so desperately. blah blah bihuhgxiiwttueub looking at you and i cant believe you dont kno-o-ow bdedgchku thats what makes you beautiful"

you started crying tears of pure ecstasy.

"omg chat, did u make that up all on ur own?? youre so creative. that sounds like a song that a popular boyband would sing! it sounds like a boyband that would have five members, named Harry, Niall, Zayn, Louis, and the other one.. wowww u are so talented"

adrien laughed. "thanks lets go on our date."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit ur gonna go on a date with chat!¡igbutdedmtcpediudududib i wonder what shit will go down


	7. the fourth wall is gone

You were so excited for your date w chat that u peed urself a little. okay maybe a lot. you had a pee kink so it wasnt rly that bad. chat seemed to notice the stain on ur pants as he was checking u out and so he handed u a tampon.

"adriennnnn ur so sweet" u said. "where did u get this tampon from?"

adrien looked a way, a solemn expression on his hot chiseled face. his thic ass lip started trembling and he started crying. 

"damn okay" u said. his eyes just wouldnt stop leaking. you took the tampon out of the wrapper and stuck it in his eyeball. "shhh," you said. "its better now"

"d-dont u need this, u have a blood stain on ur ass"

"nah this is just pee" you winked at him.

adrien made a weird face, but accepted your answer.

"the reason i have this tampon" he said "is bc its the last thing my mother gave me before she died"

you waited for him to explain but he remained silent, save for the short brief sobs that escaped his dry oily mouth. he was on the floor, clutching at your leg.

"calm down chat noir daddi," you said, awkwardly patting his round head like he was a dog. "also, get up. there's bird shit on the floor"

you wiped the tears off adrien's face with the tissue paper juleka <3 had given you before. it still had some stuff on it but adrien didnt seem to notice.

"im sorry 4 being so emotional," adrien said. his crying had stopped but the tampon was still lodged in his eye socket. 

"i think i have brain damage" he whispered.

you fell to the floor in shock.

"i didnt,,,,, mean to hurt u adrien

i just wanted,,,,, to dry your tears"

adrien began screaming. and sobbing. 

"this situation makes no fucking sense," adrien shouted.

oh shit its becoming self aware, you thought.

"what do u mean?" you asked.

"i deadass have a tampon lodged in my freaking eye like,,, can we just have a redo of this chapter this shit is too ridiculous."

"what do u mean?"

"like,, i get that this is a spoof, but like, spoofs should at least be somewhat realistic yknow. like, at least in stupid fic like "My parents sold me to one direction" there isnt weird shit like this."

"lowkey there is weird shit like that," you said. "also like, shit bitch, u read 1d fic too!!!? that's how u know their musicccc"

"that isnt the point." he looked away, blushing. you could tell by the look on this bitch's face that he was a zayn stan. probably had a whole secret wattpad account and shit too. "look this shit is getting too meta. let's just restart the chapter, okay?"

"okay fuck it."

\------------------------

You were so excited for your date with Chat that u peed urself a little. In fact, you had a strange sense of deja-vu when u did it, like u had already peed urself before. Although tbh this was not uncommon for you in every day life. Chat reached into somewhere and was about to hand you something when you slapped it out of his hands.

"what,, the fuck."

"sorry. is that a tampon? idk i just feel like i should stay away from that. like, the plot should develop? or there should at least be fluff or something?"

"what are you talking about? do you have brain damage?"

"i feel like i should be offended," you said. "but i'll let it slide bc we're on a date and i feel like its true."

adrien was relieved and he took your hand in his. it was soft but hard. small but large. it just kept changing sizes like him greygreenyellow orbs eyes.

"i know this might be too early," he said, leaning close to you. "but..."

he pressed his lips onto yours. you were so shocked you didnt move. this kiss was like so pg-13. no, it was pg. no, tv y-7. like that one show on disney xd about slugs. the one with that guy named shane or something. is that too obscure a reference?, just Google it.

when adrien unattached himself from ur face, he had bare minerals shade N24 translucent powder all over his face. in fact, that shit suited him.

"damnn boi." you said. you just needed to hype ur man up. you began clapping.

adrien started crying.

"why...?"

he was sobbing again.

"why what?" 

"why what what?"

"who is saying this?"

"saying what? you are"

"im just asking why you're crying?"

"that doesn't make sense because this is back and forth dialogue so I would be askisg why you're crying. because im not crying."

"but you are crying," chat said.

you touched at your face and felt tears. then you saw the manager from cvs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> props if u understand wtf is going on at this point lmaooo


	8. i should be doing hw, its like 5 am rn

"y/n!" the cvs manager boomed. "you're fired!"

it was kind of weird that she had been following u guys this whole time, but u didnt question it.

"pls dont fire-"

"whats the issue?" adrien said, stepping in front of you protectively. omfg chat ilysm.  
you shoved him aside and he fell. ilysm but i have to fight my own battles.

"why am i being fired?" you asked. "i know i didnt call in about not showing up to my shift but that isnt reason enough to be fired"

plus there was that whole thing where ur family had died.

the manager pulled a face like she was thinking, 'this bitch'. she whipped out her cracked ass iphone and showed u a grainy video.

"are we watching paranormal activity what is this"

shit looked like it was shot w an android camera.

"it looks like poorly lit homemade porn" adrien said from the floor. he was massaging his knee. sorry adrien.

the cvs manager snatched the phone away, angry. "its footage of you shoplifting no less than one hour ago"

"oh fuck" you said. "wait, show me the evidence. lodge a formal complaint. i admit to nothing!!!"

adrien carefully pushed the stolen items in your pocket deeper so the manager wouldnt notice them. dam he was a keeper.

"are you even allowed to work here?? who hired you?? youre like a teenager i know damn well we dont have a work permit for you on file. is that how it works in france?"

"im actually 23," you bragged confidently.

"uh, what" Adrien said.

"yeah, i flunked the third grade twice and i flunked seventh grade - wait is that how it works in france probably not oh well - and anyway i entered school late bc my parents were kinda neglectful. i mean theyre dead now so its okay. i never learned how to read."

the cvs manager just stared at you in bewilderment.

"sorry, youre fired"

"fuck u then"

the cvs manager began crying. damn shit, u were a bit too harsh. adrien crossed over to her and began gently patting her back. you were going to get angry but then remembered that this is why you fell for him in the first place.

the cvn manager just kept sobbing and sobbing.

"my parentn died too!" she screeched. "they were killed in a fire just two weeks ago"

adrien's eyes shot wide open but you didnt get what was happening. lets go adrien. we were on a date.

y/n!!!! cant u see, her story is the same as yours!!! also, are u rly 23?

u laughed lmao no adrien i actually only got held back twice.

oh. okay.

he smiled softly and grabbed your hand. you felt your heart flutter. 

lets go to olive garden.


	9. a Real date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pur·ple prose  
> ˈpərpəl prōz/  
> noun  
> prose that is too elaborate or ornate.
> 
> "In literary criticism, purple prose is prose text that is so extravagant, ornate, or flowery as to break the flow and draw excessive attention to itself. Purple prose is characterized by the excessive use of adjectives, adverbs, and metaphors." [Wikipedia]

For a while, you and Adrien walked through the luxurious Paris streets, the scintillating moon casting a dazzling and lustrous white onto its many awed onlookers. You walked past scores of couples tightly nestled against each other, families laughing together raucously (something which made Adrien's expression metamorphose into one of deep melancholy and remorse), and groups of young adults getting ready to relish and revel in the oncoming night. You walked past a myriad of food establishments as well, their warm aromas - a conglomeration of decadent, international delicacies - settling on your slightly aquiline nose. All of these smells were making your stomach grumble and rudely complain in a way that Adrien mentioned was cute but which made you feel horribly mortified. After your small stroll though town, Adrien's driver arrived and Adrien opened the car door for you. You stepped forward hesitantly, suddenly feeling very timid and abnormally clumsy. As you walked forward, you tripped over your own foot, and right as you were about to crack your large, round skull on the cold metal of the vehicle, Adrien swiftly caught you. He held you for a brief moment - one that felt like an unending eternity - and then he gently released you. You were rooted into place then, your entire body stiff, and your mind mesmerized by what you had just witnessed: the yellow wisps of long, soft hair, two kind and unblinking eyes each housing a single iridescent iris like a prized jewel, and soft, plump lips the color of a vivid summer sunset.

"Are you okay?" Adrien muttered. He was not as impacted by that encounter as you were. Or if he was, he did not exhibit any of the same symptoms as you.

"Why is your face so red?" He said worriedly. " Are you cold?"

You smiled softly, and shook your head from left to right, as if you were reading something at superhuman speed. "I'm alright." Except that, actually, you couldn't read.

Adrien smiled back at you, content with your answer but still visibly concerned. Once you were both in the vehicle and on the way to Olive Garden, seemingly from thin air, he produced a petite water bottle and handed it to you, its condensation sticking to your nervous hand.

"Oh, thanks. Where did you get this?" you whispered. You weren't sure why your voice was so low. Maybe it was because of the moment you and Adrien had just had, or because the driver could hear your every word. Or because, for some reason, the driver reminded you of your parents. It had been many times that you'd sat like this in a passenger seat, your parents jokingly arguing about some triviality, while you gazed out of a dark-tinted window and pondered some issue which seemed pressing at the time but which was probably not so. But now it was different - vastly different - and the driver was simply a stranger which happened to coincidentally share some of your parent's idiosyncrasies: tapping the steering wheel with an index finger, not passing on yellow, smoothing his eyebrows with a single hand when a driver did something infuriating.

"...so yeah." Adrien concluded, breaking you out of your nostalgic reverie.

"Sorry, what?" you said, bluntly, maybe even a little bit angrily. "I wasn't listening."

Adrien looked down, a strange vibe surrounding him. You hadn't meant to snap at him, but the thought of your parents was overwhelming and there was no one to direct your anger towards. You'd forgotten that Adrien himself had suffered plenty too. His scars were not outwardly visible, but his crestfallen face was hard to miss.

"Hey," you murmured, setting a hand on his shoulder, "I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry. I'm just having a rough time right now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof i was too ded to keep writing like this, its not even that purple towards the end its just kinda booring. i wrote this a while ago and im just gonna post it bc i dont feel like continuing it. next chap will be normal (relatively normal)


	10. une Poème pour Adrien

"its okay, y/n" adrien said. "but you kind of ruined my whole mood, so pls, step out of the vehicle"

"what. arent we going to olive garden"

"*i* am" adrien said and he made a little gesture to the driver and he pulled over. um wtf. the cars behind began honking like the impatient little bitches they were. you could see chloé's dad in the car immediately behind u. chloé was in there too, you could see she was complaining.

bitchass, you muttered.

"adrien y are u being like this??? i know i completely ignored what you were saying earlier and made you an accomplice to petty theft, but i wanted unending breadsticks. plus i got u some stuff.."

you laid out the loot from CVS. most of it was Raid spray and ant traps but the rest was makeup. you put a black nail polish in adriens hand. 

adrien's chisled face was frowning. his plump lips disappeared into a thin line.

"if you keep doing that your face will freeze that way," you said wisely, and you began applying blush on his face. the packaging was sticky for some reason but u didnt mind. beggars cant be choosers.

adrien began growling at you in rage. shhh you said but his eyes started twitching uncontrollably like he was restraining himself from beating u upside the head. your own eyes started doing the same so you stopped applying blush on him.

"im just sharing an ancient proverb, adrien no need to be angry. ugh now im twitching like u. ur fkn ruining the blush"

"y/n pls just get out. the warehouse is nearby and we're holding up the traffic. step out of the vehicle"

"why tf are u talking like that?" you stumbled out of the car like a sticky newborn lamb. the lipgloss you stole had leaked all over you. "ive stepped out. shouldnt you at least read me my Miranda rights?? im like almost certain thats not how it works in france"

"well-" adrien began but he was cut off by horrific shrieking. it was chloé of course. she was sticking her fatass Bratz head out of her car. but Bratz in, like, a bad way bc ppl think Bratz are aesthetic now.

"y/n! can you just leave already? we've been waiting here for several minutes!!!! my father-"

you flipped chloé off. "fuck u chloé with an é!!!! mY FaTheR this and mY FaTheR that, and whats ur FaTheR gonna do???? he's just a fkn mayor like deadass who elected him and why does he have so much power??? tell him to stop all the fires and family-murdereing. i know like 2 ppl who are orphans, not including myself bc im not sure who i am really and i have identity issues but now is not the time 4 that. and while he's at that maybe he can reform the system bc why do orphans have to live in warehouses????"

 

"what tf are u talking abt?? and why is ur face twitching? my father's friend is personally in charge of the Fires and Family Murders Department and she's a great investigator. and as for the other thing, its not my fault ur poor af and your parents didnt leave u with any assets"

"assets?????? in this ecology????"

"economy," adrien nudged u, his right winking. or maybe it was a twitch. u pushed him back and he fell inside the car.

"adrien," chloe screeched. she rolled out of the car and jumped in adriens vehicle. "are you okay?"

adrien shoved her off and made her get out. and then his driver finally sped away.

"adrien!" you yelled after him. but he was gone. chloé had an ugly smug look on her face but u ignored her.

"heh heh," you laughed to urself, once u were walking away. "her shit's gonna stay frozen that way."

when you got back to the warehouse, you stole some power from the nearby highend milk shop - sighhh gentrification - and you decided to write a poem to adrien. it was difficult to see because your eye was still twitching but u manageh between tears.

Dear adrien,

you were once the malik to my zayn,

the One to my Direction,

but now you're just the liam to my Pain

and all i see is Imperfection

after three hours of fixing your spellisg mistakes, you closed your diary and began heaving. you thought you were just sad but you were having a severe allergic reaction to the lipgloss that had spilled on you earlier. you fell to the floor, clutching at your closing throat. you picked up your phone and clicked on one of your contacts. you didnt know who it was bc your eyes were swollen shut and you promptly passed out.


	11. a letter from luka -_-

when u woke up, someone with colorful streaks in their hair was in ur line of sight. omg juleka <3\. but as u regained some sense of conshusniss u realized it was not juleka <3 but luka -_- once u got passed the dissapointment u opened ur mouth to speak but luka -_- approached u.

"hey y/n. are u alright?"

you realized that you couldnt move at all. what tf is this sleep paralysis? you started wiggling against the hospitol bed. apparently u were in a hospitull.

"whoa," luka -_- said, "they put a mild sedative on you because u were being violent when they brought u in, ur okay"

u calmed down a bit but u didnt trust him one bit, this genderbent juleka <3 wannabe. although u did vaguely remember foaming at the mouth and biting ppl earlier.

"where's juleka <3 i called her didnt i?" you managed weakly. you sounded like u had mesothelioma. if you or a loved one -

she's with adrien, luka -_- said. 

whah??? ur eyes went wide af like an anime girl and ur boobs started bouncing crazily as you fell to the floor in shock.

"she's seizing!!!!" a nearby doctor innacuraly yelled and they propped u on ur side before realizing u were fine.

"im not seizing u fkn grey meredith imposter!!!"

"i dont get that reference," the doctor said, helping u back up to the bed. "im glad the mouth foaming stopped, u were doing that when u were admitted"

u smiled at the doctor weakly, noticing bite marks on his hand. they were bleeding huge ass drops like bella in new moon or whatever book it was.

"she actually meant meredith grey. yknow, from grey,s anatomy???" luka uwu said intelligently. omg its like he has a phd, u thought to urself, swooning at his genius.

the doctor guy slapped his knee like he Got It and then left.

omg luka was a fan of grey,s anatomy too <3

"bihhh who's ur fave character??"

"hands down christina yang!!"

"omfg sameeeee. but lets not alienate ppl who dont know anything about grey's anatomy and lets talk abt smth else!!!"

"klance?" luka uwu offered.

omfg he's so cultured, you thought. a real renaissance man. he was way smarter than adrien had been acting these days. omg how is adrien, u asked.

"he's okay, asking abt u actually? do u know why u started having a reaction?"

"no." u said, licking lipgloss residue off ur face. "wait yea. its " - you spat the gloss on luka's brand new yeezy's - "this lipgloss".

" oh worm?" luka uwu said. "u shouldn't spit on ppl's shoes its kinda rude."

he flicked ur spit off with a finger and wiped it on ur hospital gown.

omg lookah ur soooe right, whot i did was rude my mom ): didnt raise me like tht how can i repay u?

u can work off the debt" loika said, "and u might get new housing too" honding u a business card and winking. u were so bewildered by how smooth his hand was u couldnt utter a word. it was like he had soaked that shit in a solution of 3/4ths lavender Suave conditioner and 1/4th Pinesol for exactly three days. after 10 minutes of staring at each other's eyes luuka handed u something else & stepped out.

you looked at it but couldnt understand a word. finally u saw neeno's familiar face in the hallway and u called him over.

" y/n ur usually so vivacious and feisty whats wrong?"

"i was having another violent fit and they put some horse tranquilizer on me," u giggled. "but why r u here ninoi? is allyuh okay?"

"yea she's also getting her injuries checked out from the fire. she was so angry at me wen i told her i had a crush on u"

its ok neenoh, awlyuh has a crush on me too.

omg i suspected that y/n!! but its ok we can just b friends if thats whut u want. im not tryna pressure u into anything.

"nino omfg that was so sweet and the bare minimum a human could do ilysm."

nino blushed so hard he began bleeding out of his ears. he sighed, uhh not again and plugged up his ears with tissue paper.

"neenoi, can u read this letter luka uwu left 4 me??"

"yeah np. wow lookuh uwu is a great writer"

dear y/n,

im currently in the waiting room after bringing u here. im so afraid that ur dying or smth and that would suck bc i kinda Like you. pls be safe. currently adrien's dad Mr Moth - sorry Mr. Agreste- is looking to sue that lipgloss company. if u guys win u could be rich for the rest of ur lives!!! anywhere, i hope ur okay.

signed, Luko <3

oh em gee is that true??? u asked nineo.

"yeah adrien's dad is preparing a class action law suit against the cosmetic company. maybe u can finally get out of the warehouse!!"

u were so overwhulmed with joy u passed out. mom, im gonna be successful without doing anything for myself are u proud????. when u woke up, adrien was looking down at u with a severly disfigured face. it was very extreme swelling.

"adrion?" you muttered gently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> grey's anatomy is a good show btw, if y'all haven't seen it. its on netflix and waaaaaay better than this fic lmaoo


	12. a really stupid chapter (more stupid than the others somehow)

"did u hear the good news?" adrien muttered in a frail, croaky voice. he sounded like the grandpa that you recently had to put off life support. u just couldnt keep paying for his shit when u needed to maintain ur lifestyle. buti miss u granddad corinthians 1:20 bahd bitches never die.rip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wtf??? my whole chapter was erased and only that sentence posted ))): i mean i did think it was a stupid chapter before i even posted it so i guess it's fine. but it sucks to lose all the dumb shit i just wrote ): rip lost chapter bad bitches never die


	13. the good news

"whats the good news adrien??" u asked, another panic attack brewing in ur gut. it felt like adrien was about to tell u horribull news even though he had explicitly just told u it was good news. omg why did adrien enjoy torturing yew. u were so worked up u started sweating. adrien wiped u off with his bare hand, and shook off the excess on the wall. that shit had so much oil on it the wall started staining. luckily, adrien didnt seem to notice.

"oh em gee i might get charged for that!!!" u said to urself but out loud and noisily af because apparently you're a dumbass.

"charged for whut?" aydiren asked, his swollen face pulsing. wow, he mustve had a really bad reaction to the lipgloss.

"for the wall!!!! also, shit, can i even be here? i dont even have health insurance i dont think thats how it works in france though doesnt most of europe have free healthcare???!!?!!!"

"ur fine." adriron said. "i have u covered. im rich. and a model."

"ur right. so whats the good news"

"my dad alredy reached a settlement w the lipgloss campany for us and all the other ppl affected. you and i are each getting 5 million dollars since we are the worst cases"

u began sobbing. "i can finally buy the warehouse!!!"

"well we're not getting tde money till like next year"

"i guess ill just work 4 lookuh then. i owe him for ruining his shoes."

adrien looked furiously jealous, like a domestic abuser but he would never hurt you. it warmed ur heart.

"come liv w me," he blurted.

"sry," u said. "im not gonna leech off of u. i need to be independent. plus we're almost gonna be going to college in like a few months. but probably not in my case since ive been skipping school for four years"

"but ur parentn only recently died"

"exactly"

"well then go live w luuuka.and get a job or whatever ill wait 4 u"

the blob of an allergic reaction that was once adrien exited the room and u contacted looika.

"im in," u said, and u smiled. whatever was coming, u were prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this (by this i mean this fic, not the chapter) is the longest thing ive written, which is quite sad if you think about it


	14. y/n-chan is in a host club!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoilers for the old-ass anime ouran high school host club. it's kinda weird but a classic. i recommend it.

Once you were discharged from l'hopital and packed up ur things from the warehouse, lyuka uwu sent u a msg and told u to come downstairs and put ur things in the car. u stumbled down the stairs trying not to damage ur brand new diamond gucci slides. they had been a gift from ur grandpa before everything had happened. rip.

outside, u were mesmerized by lyuuuuuuuuuuuuka's uwu car.

"omfg boi, u drive this beautiful car????"

it was a blakc sllek and lucurious dodge caravan 2014 with a decal saying 'my son is in the honor roll'. you were pissing urself with excitement. this was the car of ur dreams.

"yea i bought it myself," lukaaaaa uwu rightfully bragged, flipping his delicate hair with his delicate hand. "i got it at discounted price from my mom."

u ran to it, dropping all ur stuff and ruining ur diamond gucci slides. they didnt matter, nothing mattered. it was only you and the dodge caravan 2014. it was better than adrien';s pretentious ass limo and his driver which reminded u of ur parents ))): rip.

luka loaded ur stuff into the car bc u refused to help and he was lowkey a pushover. once he was inside the car, he started driving u somehwere.

"so what job am i gonna do to repay u for ruining ur shoes?" u asked, rubbing ur face against the soft dodge headrest, ur face was twitching with delight. "where am i gonna live??? can i live in here"

"hah ha." luisdka uwu giggled. "no."

after a whuile you had the feeling like u were being kidnapped. ugh, not aagain, you thought.

"you'll be working at a host club and living in the apoartment on the toip."

"what's a host club?" 

"havent u seen ouran host club?"

"omg luka im not that cultured!" u screamed. he was making u feel so stupid u started crying and sobbing.

"well a host is like, hold up lemme just look it up-"

he took out his samsung j7 prime with a 4 megapixel camera and a 5 mm audiojack and the light shone brightly on his face as he drove past all the red traffic lights. everything was so beautiful and blurry with the tears clouding ur vision.

"ah here. 'Hostess clubs are a common feature in the night-time entertainment industry of East Asian countries. They employ primarily female staff and cater to males seeking drinks and attentive conversation. The modern host clubs are similar establishments where primarily male staff adhere to females'"

"WHAT!??!?!?11??" u said indigniantfly. "i dont want to deal w creppy ass old men!! !"

"no, you'll be dressed as a guy like in ouran !!!"

"omg ive always wanted to dress in a masculine fashion and subvert these heavily-enforced gender stereotypes that, in my opinion - but also as evidence suggests- inflict a rather large harmful effect upon the populace!!!!!"

"omfg bitch me tooo!" lusdkak uwu agreed, shwoing u his emo nail polish.

"KWEEN slay!" u said. and those were the last words u said before lusidaka uwu crashed into a big ass trailer transporting towels of varying sizes and colors. call 01 48 63 00 82 for more information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i want to do a thing (but i dont think ill be able to do it ha ha). if you're one of the, like, two people still reading this garbage then comment a trash-ass sentence that makes no sense and i will somehow bend the story to include it. be as wild as u want but not raunchy pls. i realize that it looks like im tryna get comments lol. u can comment and then delete it after while. ill get the email notification anyway so it should be fine
> 
> also the phone number is in fact real and its for an actual french towel company el oh el. other fanfic writers would never


	15. the truth about ur parents death hashtag rip

Wen u woke up, adrien’s disfigured face was the first thing u saw. He looked a bit better than before but it looked like his modelling career would now be over. Sorry Adrienn, you are no longer dn the running for America’s next top model.

“What happened?” he demanded. “If lyuoasdkakaka hurt you, i swear!!”

“No, we just crashed into a towel trailer because apparently thats like an epidemic here in Frawnse."

“Luukoa and his reckless driving!” Adrien screamed. His neck vein pulsed like a leech and u fanned yourself. damn boi.

“chat , pls stop. You’re stressing urself out and that;s gonna make recovery even harder.”

Adrien agreed and sat down at your bedside. It looked like he was gonna propose for some reason. omggggggg, imagine. and ur wedding!? omg , who would u down the aisle?? Juleka? bitch!!!

“Ur parents are waiting for u.”

“What.”

“Ur parents are waiting.”

“ _ What _ ? Where?? This isnt a freaking joke adrien they were burnt to a delicious crisp in the fire!!! !!! ! ! ! !  1111”

“Ur parents are waiting for u, in the waiting room, while they wait,” Adrien explained simply. Then he produced a gorgeous birthday cake from underneath ur hispitl bed. So that’s what that smell was. You thought it was because you hadn't showered since you were orphaned.

“What happening?” u pleaded, adenocarcinoma handed u the cake and started lighting up the candles. He smooshed your bulbous face into the icing. You were so embarrassed bc u didnt want him to feel the strange masses on the back of your head.

“Adrionneeee, is this ranch?”

“Yea lol, heh heh”

“omfg thank you bb. this is better than lukidha uwu’s dodge caravan luxury vehicle.” you devoured the cake in one big gulp, like a freakin dirt devil or whatever those voccuums are called. you used to have one but it broke. :/

“Loyuueuka uwu has a dodge caravan, ur dream car?! I’m gonna,,,,buy a better one for you!”

u wanted to thank him for his selflessness but u went to the bathroom instead. the ranch had you feeling mega poop vibes and u squirted out what you just ate. ew tbh.

when you looked at ur food baby before flushing, you realized it was somehow completely in tact. Wha~~???

“Omfg,” u whispered to urself. “we stan a queen who poops out whole actual food.”

adrien screamed from oitsside. “ur parents are waiting!!!!!!!!”

u were so confused u banged on the toilet handle repeatedly. it eased your anxiety.

"and then, the chocolate cake covered in ranch dressing was able to be flushed down the toilet on the eighth flush." 

omg, why were u narrating your life??? hah ha u were just so kooky and uni-q, not like the other girls xdeee.

you deliberately kept your meaty hands dirty and stepped out. you read an article about good bacteria once so you now you had a phd in dirt. adrien’s face was twitching again. or maybe he was winking.

“ur  **_parents_ ** are waiting.”

“hah hah ur so funny bae. but like, that hurts my feelings. but also im proud because ur gonna need talents like those now that ur face is like that”

you made sure ur honpsital gown fully covered ur butt (no peeking, you yelled but adrien wasnt even looking at you) and you went to the hospttl cafeteria.

“can i get a burger??” u asked the server, winking at him and licking his lips kindly.

"ye of course we serve the Fortnite Burger here... i mean where the F(ortnite) do you think u are anyway" he laughed nervously, removing u from his face.

“i dont know what that meanss!!!!! stop tryna make me feel DUMB AND UNCULTURED.“im sorry im not A Gamer Girl™ like Juleka <3!!!!!~. and im sorry im not her!!!”

you pointed at adrien. his face was still growing. it seemed like it had its own full size ecosystem.

“sorry, she’s on her period,” adrenochrome joked to the server and they fist bumbed without actually touching bc fragile masculinity or whateva and also adrien was probably contagious or something. he got your food and u sat down.

“wow, lukua uwu would  _ never  _ disrepects me like that. also im tired of ur lowkey rudeass shit adrien. we ALL know Many Nut Diploid-Chung has more and better powers than you!!!”

adrien started breathing heavily out the two orifices that were once his nostrils. “Im gonna ignore you because unbeknownst to you, there’s some shady shit going on right now, Y/N!!”

“What do u mean???”

Adrinette sneakily handed you a piece of paper and u opened it.

_ lube. fucking lube,  _ it said.

“Adecahedron, what is this? I cant read. and First of all your handrwiting is ugly as fuck! But Second of all, are u tryna get with me?  You finally realize that you belong with me? Becuase she wears short skirts. I wear sneakers. I wear a lot of clothes and she's cheer captain. But I do other extracurricular activities. Dreamin bout the day when you wake up blahdfjadf lookiin for, here the whole time.” you posed like you were getting your picture taken

“Sorry, that’s my dad’s grocery list. It’s actually kind of concerning. But look here,”

He passed you another note. This handrwirting was still ugly as shit.

“Wow i guess the good writing died when ur mom did,” she said offhandedly.

“At least hawkmoth—I mean my dad, Gabriel Agreste, is still alive!!”

Adrien read the note to you. He was like an grade A professional fuckin’ orator. Wow, bitch. Bet you must’ve gotten a full score on the language arts quiz. Pshh. You weren’t jealous.

_ Your parents are alive. And they’re here, watching us. _

The woman next to your table looked strangely familiar. But also fucked up, like she had special effects makeup but it was done by a shitty Buzzfeed artist for a video that only got, like, 100k views.

She peels her rubber mask off and looks at you hungrily, then asks you if you prefer chocolate or strawberry flavor. It's your mom.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter came out way too long than anyone wanted. anyway thx to the people who let me add their sentences to this hell-fic. The end is nigh.


End file.
